The Pop-Tart Review

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As you may have guessed, most of the articles on this site will pertain to books and literature. As fun as that is, I’m not a one-trick pony. I do care about other things and have other interests. Though this will probably sound ridiculous to a lot of you, one of those interests is Pop-Tarts. I’ve loved Pop-Tarts since the days I used to eat them for breakfast before elementary school, and I’ve developed an even greater appreciation for them as I’ve grown. Obviously, they aren’t the most healthy food in the world, but few things can claim to be as delicious and that’s something I feel needs to be celebrated.

To do my part, I am going to make Pop-Tart reviews an integral part of this website. This all stemmed from a running Twitter gag in which I consistently berated Blueberry Pop-Tarts as the worst flavor in existence, but it progressed to a rudimentary ranking of the various pastry types as I consumed them.  After giving it tons of thought (and deciding I don’t care about the backlash I’m going to get for doing this) I’ve decided to take this from joke to legitimacy.

Not only will Pop-Tart reviewing give me an excuse to eat them without feeling badly about myself, but posting a recap of my experiences online will help you guys decide which Pop-Tart is the best for you. Similarly to what I’m doing with The Great American Read, I’ll be ranking each Pop-Tart from best to worst as I indulge. The result will be a definitive ranking of every single flavor. I do not take this job lightly. I’m going to become the internet’s foremost authority on Pop-Tarts. Mark it down.

The Criteria

Anyone who’s eaten Pop-Tarts before knows that the Pop-Tart itself can take many forms. Toasted Pop-Tarts are probably the most popular, and, in my opinion, the way God intended for them to be consumed, but we’d be lying to ourselves if we said we didn’t enjoy a nice room-temp every now and again. There are different flavors present at different temperatures, and this indisputable fact must be accounted for if the Pop-Tart ranking system is to hold one iota of credibility. We need a holistic view to have an accurate one, and I’ve come up with the perfect way to make this work.

As of now, Kellogg’s is not funding my Pop-Tart purchases–I’ve got to buy them all out-of-pocket. Naturally, I’m going to come across some Pop-Tarts I don’t like; it just comes with the territory. Since we all hate wasting money, I’m going to buy the smallest boxes available, which contain four sleeves, or eight individual pastries. Like Reese’s Cups, I don’t believe in eating just one Pop-Tartso that means each box will provide me with four different eating experiences. For the purposes of this review, that means I’ll be eating the Pop Tarts four different ways.

Toasted

This one is pretty simple–stick ’em in the toaster and enjoy. Luckily for me, my toaster comes with a “Pop-Tarts” setting, and, believe it or not, it does make for the PERFECT Pop-Tart. I’ve tried many a toaster, and it can be very hard to find the line between undercooked and overdone. If your toaster doesn’t have a Pop-Tart setting, I highly recommend investing in one so you can see what I mean.

Room-Temp

By far the simplest way to enjoy Pop-Tarts, this method is nothing more than ripping open the packaging and inserting the goodness into my mouth. No prep time, no clean up. Just yum.

Frozen

We can’t forget about the oft-overlooked frozen Pop-Tart. It’s the antithesis of the toasted variation, but it holds its own. The cold Pop-Tart is like the cold pizza. Some people love it, some people hate it, but you have to try it at least once.

The Pop-Tart & Ice Cream Sandwich

This method may give me diabetes, but it’s a necessary test in the quest for Pop-Tart supremacy. To craft, one begins by toasting the Pop-Tarts. Next, take one scoop of Vanilla ice cream (it must be vanilla–it’s neutral enough that it will blend with the Pop-Tart flavor rather than overpower it) and place it on the unfrosted side of one of the Pop-Tarts. Place the remaining Pop-Tart on top of the ice cream scoop so that the frosting is still visible from the aerial view, and wha-la. The cold, sweet flavors of the ice cream will mix with the warm, sweet flavors of the Pop-Tarts, and you’ve basically got a mouth orgasm. Here, we’re testing the Pop-Tart’s functionality as a sandwich crust. Good Pop-Tarts will complement the ice cream experience.

The Judging Process

Once I’ve tested one flavor of Pop-Tart all four ways, I’ll write a review of the pastry as a whole. I’ll include notes on each method and offer recommendations on how to best enjoy the specific flavor, as well as which options to stay away from unless you’re a masochist. A combination of all four taste-tests will be taken into account in the final score. A Pop-Tart’s performance will be assessed on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being reserved for the best of the best and 1 being reserved for the ones that should be pulled from store shelves.

I have devised this system to best give each Pop-Tart an equal shot at the Pop-Tart crown. I am well aware of my own personal biases going into this project, but the multitude of flavor tests work to eradicate these and help me render fair judgment. After all, I’m not doing this for me; I’m doing it for the Pop-Tarts. I’m doing it for the public.

This is a service that I am happy to provide. I believe it was Aristotle who once said, “Life is too short to eat bad Pop-Tarts.” I agree with him, so join me as I try to minimize that tragedy as much as possible.

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